I’m doing some ‘proper’ work tomorrow Mr Field which involves heavy lifting. It’s not lifting myself from bed this time no. But actually lifting heavy objects with my bare hands. How do you prepare for such hard work as its alien to me?

Dont think were hitting the bars of Whitley Bay, were off west up Coast Road to Newcastle

You've left it a bit late lad but after consulting my Roger the Dodger Big Book of Cunning Dodges I can see one that may help.



It basically consists of you turning up at your place of work wearing a seagull on your head and a Latvian folk costume, resting one hand on your hip and the other pointing to the side, tip yourself in the direction of the pointing hand and recite the phrase "I'm a teapot" for as long as it takes for the foreman to escort you from the premises or someone to call an ambulance, whichever occurs first.



Don't forget to get your jobseekers form signed before they throw you through the gate.

Dear McF



I have got myself in a bit of a pickle, and hope you can help. Last year the wife cooked cristmas dinner and got stressed out and burnt my "pigs in blankets" I may have moaned and the imortal words "you can cook next year then"!



I assumed this would have been a throw away comment but last week I found out she was infact serious, had not forgotted and I now seem to be cooking christmas dinner 2011 for 12 people!!!



I am a fair cook and do like it but for 12 people doesn't sound like fun and would interfere with my beer drinking. For the last 7 years I have been allowed to go out Christmas day to the pub for a few hrs while dinner is cooked, I thought I would ask early for help!!

This is actually a very simple one and a situation that I speak from experience in.



You should organise a night out with the lads on christmas eve but before that go through the motions of preparing the dinner for the morrow, you don't actually have to do anything but just look as though you are, so write lots of notes, invent some cooking times, "turkey four hours" that sort of thing, and then assure the little lady that you have it all in hand and your xmas dinner for 12 is safe in your hands.



The next bit is optional - you have to be, or appear to be, absolutely blathered when you return from the pub on xmas eve - a paper hat skewed on your head, tinsel around your neck and kiss marks on your cheeks will help, staggering around the kitchen knocking pots and pans on the floor is always a good indicator and speaking in an intelligible garble is a must, finally ask where she's hidden the cooking sherry as you wish to finish off with a nightcap.



Or alternatively get absolutely blathered for real and let nature take its course.



Now the important bit - on christmas day you must not arise from your bed at all before noon, laying with a pillow over your head and groaning will help greatly as will mumbling "Never again" or "ooooooooooooo my head" and at the critical moment "I am so sorry my dear but my current incapacitation through over-indulgence will mean that I am unable to fulfil my chef duties for your dear family - but everything is prepared for you downstairs so could you see to it and then bring me up an alka-seltzer there's a good girl"



Your recovery will of course be miraculous and in time for the noon opening time and on your return from the pub you will assure her that you only partook of mineral water as you were so looking forward to her cooking.



Be warned, for there is a man-trap waiting for you here though - do not under any circumstances then go out and get blathered on the xmas day lunchtime session for upon your return she will see right through the subterfuge and the serving of divorce papers will be customary on Boxing Day - and its embarrassing when that happens live on the big screen at Headingley.

That last bit will cost you £125 this year too...

I am now typing with my nose. They took me away to the funny farm and I’m surprise they have computers in these places. It certainly explains some people who frequent the internet!

What bit? The divorce or the boxing day visit to headingley?!

Ignore him, he knows not what he speaks of, it'll cost your wife £125 to serve the divorce papers to you via the big screen at Headingley which will come out of her share of the house so more fool her, just remember this - leave all of your christmas gift booze at home when you go to the pub on xmas day lunchtime, pub prices are especially designed to make it impossible to get drunk on, they've thought this through you know.

Dear McFlurry, is this thread the spawn of our conversations about mayo?

I do believe it was, and of course your Mayo life issue reached a successful conclusion due to us discussing the psychology behind wimmin shopping although you didn't have to use the final "Hiding in a cupboard with a frying pan" sanction - its still worth bearing that in mind though.